I take pills four times a day: Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime. The bulk of my medication I take over breakfast, a handful of colorful pills with my coffee, while I take my psychiatric medication at night, since drowsiness is a side effect. I have been stable (for bipolar) on my current cocktail so I am loathe to change it. But I have to change it because I am suffering some very uncomfortable complications.
I’ve made peace with weight gain, especially since there’s nothing wrong with it, but the heat intolerance and decrease in libido have been frustrating. Both sound like minor issues until you yourself are sweating all the time, all day and every day, or until you want to be physically intimate with your partner. Combined, the issues result in all sweat, no oxytocin.
I still like fucking, dammit.
I have spent about 20 years fucking around and now I’m about to find out what it’s like to fuck while maintaining stability. So I reduce the Lexapro and increase the THC. I listen to my body to know when I’m aroused. I self-talk to improve confidence to initiate sex. All my 20s, I’ve been sexy but now almost 40, I’m learning how to be sexual. I always have been an active participant in my sex life, but now that I have aged out of the cishet male’s target demographic, I have much more room – and the experience – to understand myself as more than a sex object. It was an easy role, especially when so many people say that you fit it well, but now what is my sexual identity?
“Queer” is one answer. But we’re not talking about the politics of attraction. We’re talking about what it means to be sexual in a world that discards people’s sexualities after a certain age. Sex is a young adult’s passions, not for the realm of the middle-aged or elderly (unless you are desirable in very specific ways). So sex as one ages is not mentioned as much, not seen as much, and definitely not approved as much. While people’s relationship to sex can change as they age, that doesn’t mean people never want to have sex past the age of 30.
So here’s to us horny old biddies. It’s okay not to have sex but it’s definitely okay to have sex, too. Sex, sex lives, and sexuality shouldn’t be just allowed for certain people, but for everyone who wants them. “We’re here / we’re horny” doesn’t have the same ring to it but we should just let people be horny. It’s just a part of getting older.
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